How To Have Something You Can’t Have

It is human nature to want things that you cant have. It is that attraction to something so far out of your reach that you have to have it, whether it be shoes, or clothes, or cars, mine just happens to be men.

I could not tell you to the extent of how bad my problem is, but on a scale of one to ten, I am at least at a nine. I go to a bar, I see a guy that I think is attractive so I try to go talk to him, when I get stopped by my friend to tell me that he has a girlfriend Whomp whomp. But he’s seriously the only attractive on in the entire establishment, I cant stop thinking about that one guy, but I can’t have him, I really dont know why I’m even thinking about it any more. But I am. Fuck me!

This is a characteristic that I find myself falling into all of the time, wanting someone that I cant have. It has been happening for years, I guess I never knew what my problem was until one day my friend pulled me aside and told me that I should stop striving for the things that I can’t have, and go for the things that I can have. That  makes me question why do we tell everyone to reach for the stars? Why strive for things that are not within our natural reach? If I should just go for the things I can have in life, what is the sense? Why dream, because you can only have the things that are within your reach? Since I am the dreamer type, I make it a challenge when I do find someone who fits this description. Its not like I’m like “Oh, lets see if I can get him to sleep with me!”, No. Nothing like that at all, I am not a slut. It’s more like what do I have to do to make this person change their mind; what can I do to make this fall in my favor?Now, usually this works, sometimes not the way that I would like it to, but I get something that I want out of it whether it be friendship or they make out with me, either or, I’ll take both. But the misleading part of getting something from this said person, it doesn’t help. Instead of turning around when I’m satisfied, I always want more than I just had, its like pouring gasoline on an already lit fire. Its like when your friend has a lollipop and lets you suck on it for a minute when you have a craving for something sweet. That’s really thoughtful of you to have shared your lolly with me, I appreciate that, but it didn’t help the craving, you just made it worse.

PRIME EXAMPLE-My gay best friend, Zachary, at one point in the last year thought that he was straight and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Great! Awesome! I’m gonna date my best friend who went straight for me! I must be pretty to turn a gay man straight. I thought that I would never have to date another male in my entire life, I was so happy with the thought of Zachary being the rest of my life. I thought that it was signed, sealed, delivered, I was going to be his Mrs. Umh….Right. After a few months of just hanging out all of the time, and only kissing as many times on my one hand, Zachary decided that he was confused and turned back to the D. Now, I realized that this wasn’t my fault that he was gay, he was gay before me. I knew that the reason that he went back for the opposing team wasn’t because I was morbidly ugly. In my head I had already had the picture in my head of Zachary being my Prince Charming, being the one guy that I didn’t expect to sweep me off of my feet and come in with his white horse and we could live happily ever after. He was the best man friend that I had honestly had, he treated me nicely and made me laugh, he treated me like I wanted to be treated-the way I should be treated. The fact that that was being ripped out of my hands because of something that is completely out of my control grinded my gears. I wanted to show him how well someone could love him, how he deserves to be loved, and how I could treat him. Out of all honestly I would still like to, he did the same thing for me. That is the part of me that wants what I can’t have. I have had hundreds of conversations, drunk, high, and sober, with my co workers, my friends, EVERYONE, and they all tell me the same thing , “You can’t love him like that, his feelings for you aren’t the same as you have for him.” Thank you, I realize that. Completely. But  I feel that part of me just can’t help but want that. I can’t help but to want a boyfriend who I would love unconditionally and laugh with and be treated nicely, and wake up next to my best friend everyday. Why wouldn’t I  want that? I have had a taste of something so sweet, something that I should taste everyday, but I don’t?

Instead of throwing out our friendship and making it weird, I have taken the love that he has shown me that I could have, and the love that I have for him and I have channeled that into a better friendship for him and I. I might not be his girlfriend but I have many other titles from him, his tax lady, his ride or die bitch,  his occasional coverup girlfriend, a problem solver, half mom to our cat Lola, but most of all his bestest friend, I think that’s my favorite one. I support his lifestyle and any move he wants to make, within reason. There are some times I do have to pull the reins on the big dreamer. Every day is an adventure with him, I COULD NOT IMAGINE having a life without him in it. To be honest, I feel bad for any guy that I will have in my life from here on out, because they’re going to take a back seat to Zachary. I thank my lucky stars everyday for me having someone like him in my life, and that he is the person that I call my best friend.

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I realize that I will always have this want for things that I can’t have, but I have learned to be able to flop the situation so I end up with something that I can have. I might not be able to have Zachary as my boyfriend, WHICH IS FINE, but I have him in a better way. I turned something that was negative into something completely positive. I made something that very often ruins friendships, into something that made mine stronger. I took something about myself that I didn’t like and made it work for me. Take something about yourself that you don’t like and make it work for you, you never know what could happen.

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