Winds of Change

In life, there are things that you are going to do that will bring you conflicting feelings. I never really had this feeling until last week.

Rewind to two weeks ago, I had an interview for a higher position in a different store of my company. It is a position that I have always wanted to hold, I get to meet new people, organize things, and most of all learn something new. I interviewed well and I waited for my phone call too see if I got the job or not.

Fast forward to last week-I was working when I received the phone call that I got the job! I was filled with all sorts of feelings, but the one that showed on my face was happiness. I was thrilled. I was excited. I was happy. I could almost cry that’s how excited I was.

And then it started to sink in, “Toto, were not in Kansas anymore.” This is the real deal. I’m not apart of this store anymore, when I leave, my co workers don’t come with me. They stay at their store, and they live their lives and I go to my new store and I live my life. That thought in itself made me want to crawl in a hole and die.

My co workers are the goofiest, funniest, care free group of individuals I have ever met in my entire life. They have legit seen me at my worst, and at my best. They have watched me grow up from a teenager to a young adult and I have been mothered by a few along the way. I guess the thing that bothered me was that I would never forget this group of people, and I didn’t want them to forget me either. And I know how life works, you get busy, you forget to call or text, or you don’t do it as much as you should and you lose contact. I have lost contact with enough people in my life, I don’t need to lose more! But I can only speak from my end, not from theirs.

But I have made myself a vow, I will never forget where I came from. I will remember who my friends are. I’m going to remember the people who got me to where I am and all the hardwork that I put in to get to where I am today. Those are the friends that I dare not lose contact with. They are the friends and the people that will keep me grounded when my heads in the clouds.

As much as I hate leaving everything and everyone that I know, I know that I am leaving to make myself better, I going to be a new and improved Christal. I am going to make myself the person that I want to be. And I know that my old co workers will be behind me every step of the way to cheer me on. BUT, I’m going to make new friends and they will I’m sure be as fun as my old ones. It will just take time like it did at my store. All I need to worry about is being the Christal I need to be.

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You Spelled My Name Wrong..

“C-H-R-I-S-T-A-L”
This is what I have to tell people when they ask for the spelling of my name. Christal, a name so basic that is spelled so many different ways. Crystal, Cristal, Krystal, Christl, no matter which way you spell it, it always sounds the same.

It did not matter how many days that I showed up for school, or spelled my name for teachers, they would never get my spelling right. Every hall pass that I had ever received always had the spelling “Crystal” on it. To some people, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but to me, it just infuriated me. I understand that I went to a larger high school where my teachers would see hundreds of kids a day but come on now…I hand in papers and homework with my name written on them so I could get them back, my name was on their class lineup list, I even had it written in my text book all with the spelling “CHRISTAL”, and how do you not even realize you’re spelling my name wrong? I always chalked it up to just mere ignorance, not realizing that not all Christal’s are the same…or maybe they just didn’t care? I had a teacher in high school who I had ALL FOUR YEARS and up to and including the last hall pass he wrote me as a high school student, my name was spelled incorrectly.

The spelling, unlike my name, is very unique, but that doesn’t give you the right to not figure out how to spell it. There are lots of ways to spell lots of peoples names, and it seems like names like “Shaniqua” or “Mikaela” are always asked how to spell their name more often than my name…is this because they think they know how to spell it? IGNORANCE.

22 years ago, my mom was pregnant working at a hair salon as a hair dresser when a client came in with the name “Christ’l”. My mom was in love with the name, but she didn’t want to have an ordinary spelling. Christ’l then told her that she would receive mail with her name spelled “Christal” because they could not put an apostrophe in a name, it was just unheard of…then. So my parents talked it over, and decided that they were going to name their first born Christal. Little to their knowledge, I was in for a lifetime of misspellings. Some of those misspellings being more unique than the spelling of my name. Fortunately enough for them, I grew into my own original being and made the spelling of my name a representation of who I am, not ordinary.

At my job, I wear a name tag where it spells out my name for all to see, along with the little “Its my pleasure to serve you” slogan. I always get “Oh wow, that’s a different way to spell Christal” or “Chris-TAL”, never just “Christal”. EVERYONE feels the need to try to pronounce my name as something different than what it is. If you really think about it, just say the name “Christal” in your head and spell it phonetically. The way I spell it, I feel is the most common sense way to spell it. In this spelling, “Crystal”, I just don’t understand where the “Y” comes from, what noise is it making? Or when they spell it “Krystle”, what were you thinking when you spelled the name like that? Do you not know your poor child has probably gone through life having their name misspelled the entire time? Having to spend valuable minutes at counters and desks everywhere spelling their name out loud because you, as a parent, wanted your kid to be different.

Now that I am older, I still have to spell my name out for just about everyone who asks for it, and that includes boys at the bar. Instead of just spelling it out for them like a normal person does, I have made it a game. I normally tell the guy asking for it that if he spells my name correctly the first time, he gets to have my number. If he doesn’t, he has to wait until he can figure out the spelling to get my number. If they want it enough, they will pull out every spelling in the book. It helps you feel out the guy and if he really wants to get your number or if he’s just gonna give up like a loser and forget about it. It also helps create conversation, and when you’re meeting someone and getting to know them, sometimes that in itself helps you out a great deal.

There are times that I really dislike the way my mom spelled my name, like when everyone else could get personalized everything from the store and you had to settle for things that said “Awesome” or “High Maintenance” because the store didn’t have anything with the spelling of your name on it. There are times, though, that I do thank my mother for making me so unique, because when someone writes “Crystal” on a piece of paper with a list of things to do, I know its not me. It certainly does beat being given a name like “Amanda” or “Alexandra” or “Mary”. Having a unique spelling can prove to be a struggle in itself just because people don’t care to ask about how you spell your name, but everyone is different in their own way. Whether it be the spelling of their name, their attitude, personality, hobbies, interests, there are so many things in life and in this world that make us unique, why would you ever just want to be ordinary?

The bar is not all it’s cracked up to be, and other lies adults have told me

I remember being 20 years old, six months shy of the big 2-1, and the only thing I wanted in the world was to be able to go into the bar with my friends. A lot of my friends were older, so their Fridays we’re spent at the bar, not being sober while I stayed at home and waited for my turn to arrive to be legal. I would always tell everyone that I had so many days until I turned 21 and people used to look at me like I was an alien. They all used to say “Turning 21 isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s expensive. And loud.” I refused to believe them, I knew that the bar scene would be for me. I knew what bars looked like and I had been in a couple previous to my birthday, but I could never legally sit down and have that ice-cold, refreshing, beer.

Finally the day came that I turned 21, 12:05AM on August 8, 2012 I walked into a bar. Legally. I couldn’t believe it, the day that I had been eagerly awaiting had come, and not a moment too soon. Regardless that I spent the first hours of my birthday in a rinky-dink bar in my little town, it was still a bar, and I was drinking. I had a blast with everyone feeding me shots like candy and drinking miller lites as quickly as one would consume water after a workout. All of my friends that could come out, came and made my day especially great. But during all of this hub bub I realized something, the bar was everything that it was cracked up to be. I feel like they just lied to me to get me to not be so eager about throwing the last of my “non legal” years down the drain. At age 22 I still love to go to the bar, it’s a chance to get out of the house, to do something, to meet new people.

Santa Claus
Christmas isn’t Christmas with out Santa Claus, the jolly old soul. You guessed it, another adult lie. All that nonsense talk that your parents gave you about “You better be good! Santa’s watching!” and the “Naughty and Nice List” was just to get you to behave with bribing you with Christmas presents. Think about this. If Santa is watching all of the time, that means he’s watching me shower, and go to the bathroom, and various other activities. Wouldn’t that mean that Santa was a creeper? Like straight up pedophile? He should be on Megan’s List. Also, for what reason is it that you need to sit on Santa’s lap? I understand that you want to tell him what you want for Christmas, but that could be done sitting right next to him, or he could just read the letter that was sent to him. Finally, the fact that this man, who has to have more than a size fifty in pants, can squeeze himself into yours and everyone else’s chimney  in ONE NIGHT. Every child who celebrates Christmas gets presents from the big man himself underneath their Christmas tree. What if you don’t have a chimney? Apparently your parents let Santa in the front door like mine did every year. With all the stops that he makes, he still manages to eat everyone’s milk and cookies that they leave out for him. At my house, we left Santa my mom’s awesome Christmas cookies and a can of RC cola, because my dad said Santa would be sick of milk by the time he made it to our house.

Stork
There is an appropriate age in where you tell children about sex, but there comes the unexpected time in a parents life where their young child wonders where babies come from. Obviously, they don’t tell them about the whole p in v action that happens, you can’t be that graphic. So to make how babies come from believable to kids, parents tell their youngsters that their little brother or sister is coming by stork. The story goes that the stork will fly over the house and deliver the new brother or sister to them. Now, I’m not sure where the baby comes from, or how the stork retrieves the baby, the parents never relinquish that information. So you mean to tell me a bird, carried a baby, swaddled in blankets, to my house to deliver my baby sister and left her outside for you to find? Isn’t that child abuse? That makes complete sense. Okay. Where is the number to get the stork to come back for this crying baby, I dont want it.

Tooth fairy
The tooth fairy is another one of those lies that adults tell. When you lose your baby teeth as a child, you are suppose to put your tooth underneath your pillow and wait for a little fairy to fly in your room when you sleep to take your newly ripped out, bloody, nasty baby tooth and replace it with money. Now, when I was losing teeth the going rate was $.25, but inflation has now hit the tooth fairy and she is giving dollars. As a child, this is easy to believe…unless you woke up while your mom is putting the money under you pillow. As you grow up you realize that the tooth fairy isn’t real but as a kid, I always had questions like “How does she get into my room?” Or “She’s so tiny, how does she carry my tooth?”. Parents, with the intention of knowing their reputation is on the line, answer with one simple word, “Magic”. Magically, this tooth fairy lady pops into your house, takes MY tooth from under MY bed in MY room, and then leaves me money? What is she going to do with my tooth? Why does she need it? Why can’t I keep it? The mystery is solved when you find out where the tooth fairy really put all of those teeth…in a drawer, in your parents room.

As you can see, there have been numerous occasions that adults have straight up lied to our faces as kids. It just takes for us to get older to realize that they weren’t so much lies as they were little imaginary stories to keep your life a little bit more up beat and entertaining. Any parent will tell you that there is nothing better than your child seeing that they got exactly what they wanted for Christmas, or that The Tooth Fairy came and gave them a dollar. But there are also times where adults will tell you things just so you enjoy your life a little bit longer and don’t wish it all away. Life moves so fast and you only have a limited time to enjoy it, so never wish it to go by faster than it already does. That’s why adults lie to us, so we can enjoy life for what it is, nothing too complicated.

Are You Going To Try To Sleep With Me?

The age old debate if girls and guys can be “just friends” is always one that I seem to find hilarious, in the sense that guys are always made out to seem like they have an ulterior motive. Like “Guys become friends with girls so they can end up sleeping with them” or “Guys become friends with girls so they can date their hot friends”. This is assuming that every male that becomes friends with a female is an uncultured swine, who just wants nothing but to get his dick wet. Now, I am not speaking for all guys when I say this but that’s usually not the plan for guys when they become friends with girls. There is this thing called compatibility that people do have, in a non sexual way. How do I know this? Because three of my best friends are males!

When I was younger I always looked at the one girl with a bunch of guys and was like “That girl has to be fucking all of them, there is no way that they can keep it in their pants. She’s such a slut.” This is the common thought that every girl or guy has in their mind when they see one attractive girl hanging out with a group of guys. Of course because the girl apparently can’t keep her legs closed, even if she isn’t sleeping with them she’s still a slut. Now, that’s an unfair judgement. That girl could be a virgin, and people are still going to call her a hoe because she hangs out with all guys. Little did I know when I grew up, I was going to be that girl. I would be the girl that hung out with a large group of guys.

You could say that I have a guy mentality, in the fact my brain processes things very similar to a guy like attraction…I just have a toned down, not so disgusting version. If male attraction was to be compared to a steak, I would have filet minion. A fancier, classier steak. I have always been one for first impressions. The ways guys act, the way they dress, even their overall appearance is included when I look to see if I am attracted to them. In the first twenty seconds of meeting someone, and I don’t find them attractive, there is no helping you. I am sorry if that makes me vain, but if you’re hitting on me, and the answer is “no” to the “can i sleep with this person?” question I ask myself, there is no hope for you. You could be the sweetest guy on the face of this planet, and I still wouldn’t give you a shot. I have to physically see myself with you before anything can happen, just like guys. When guys see girls and they think that they are at least cute, they’ll give you a shot. If you look like Shrek’s wife Fiona, you can bet your titties that he’s not gonna look your direction. Also, guys ability to have sex with no emotion. Guys can sleep with three or four girls at a time with ABSOLUTELY no feelings, nothing complicated, just straight sex. I, myself, applaud the male population for being able to do that and not be judged or called a whore. Not that I think that sleeping with multiple women is acceptable, but guys can just go get their jollies off with a person and not even like them, or know their name for that matter. As a female, the role is much different. We are suppose to be classy, loyal, spreading their legs for JUST a boyfriend. There is no sleeping with multiple men, or just wanting to hook up with a guy to hook up with them. NOT THAT THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN! BUT there are expectations that girls are expected to uphold. Prime example, it is expected of a girl to put out, right? A guy takes you out, you had a great time, things are going well. You go back to his house, things heat up, you do the deed, and then you go home. Congrats, you’re a slut now. You put no fight to stop him from what he wanted going into this date. Now lets say that you and this guy went on five dates before he invited you in, same thing happens. Things heat up, you do the deed…now he just had to dump five dates into you for you to put out. Now he’s trying too hard. FORGET IT if you want to save yourself for marriage. Now you’re a prude. Not all men are like this, but this is the majority that I have met. But with that being said, as a girl you can never win. As a female having a male mentality is hard, and you really realize how much of a double standard it is. You are always going to be that girl who “fuck and chucks” guys. Men hate the feeling of being defeated by women, especially at their own game. You have to keep a tough skin, it is something that being friends with mostly guys my entire life has taught me. They pick on me, tease me, throw things at me, call me names, curse, whine, yell, and I deal with it all. It helps you deal with a boy when you’re in a relationship with them.

SEXUAL TENSION

The BIGGEST thing on a boys mind is sex. So when people say that guys and girls can not be friends because of it, that makes sense to me, a slight bit. Its like Eve and the forbidden fruit, it was just so tempting that she had to bite into it. Same things with boys, if they have an attractive girl friend, what is stopping them from tasting the fruit? Girls, have you ever had a guy friend who you have known forever and you could never date them? This is how sexual tension doesn’t ruin a friendship…FRIEND ZONE. I have three best guy friends, all different in their own way, who have been seated in my friend zone. No sexual tension sits in the friend zone, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. I have worked very hard to make my friendships with them to be this way, not to say that it was just founded this way. If youre a pretty girl, boys will always think there is sexual tension. It is your job as female to crack the whip, set them where they need to be and move on. All but one of my guy friends have had crushes on me. all at the same time. It wasn’t evident at first, they just started treating me differently, like they would treat their girlfriends (boyfriends in a certain case), but silly me I take that as kindness and them being friendly. No. Not at all. That was Love knocking on my friend zone door trying to let them out, and I was avoiding them like a Jehovah on my porch. Now, I did try with one of them, my gay best friend. Now you’re probably reading this rolling your eyes saying “Why in the world would you ever try to let the gay best friend out of the friend zone?” I would be doing the same thing too. But in reality I could see myself with him,, being in a relationship with my best friend sounded like the best idea that I could ever have. Gay is gay, you cant help who you are, or who you are attracted to, but he came to me and wanted to try it so i figured why not. Now, there has been special cases where changing batting teams has happened, but not here. We both realized that by us trying to be a couple, we were ruining the one reason that I wanted to be with him, our friendship. So from now on, friend zone friends stay firmly planted in the friend z one, you don’t shit where you eat. Sexual tension is nothing to not be friends with the opposite sex for, you just have to know how to correct it. If you did sleep with your best guy friends, that would be so awkward, I would think. I do not want to see my friends naked, I don’t want them to touch me the way I would want Zac Efron to touch me, I know that.. Then you do it, then what? You just go along with your merry way being friends and fully knowing you just saw them naked? That’s when things get weird, that is when you ruin friendships.

How To Have Something You Can’t Have

It is human nature to want things that you cant have. It is that attraction to something so far out of your reach that you have to have it, whether it be shoes, or clothes, or cars, mine just happens to be men.

I could not tell you to the extent of how bad my problem is, but on a scale of one to ten, I am at least at a nine. I go to a bar, I see a guy that I think is attractive so I try to go talk to him, when I get stopped by my friend to tell me that he has a girlfriend Whomp whomp. But he’s seriously the only attractive on in the entire establishment, I cant stop thinking about that one guy, but I can’t have him, I really dont know why I’m even thinking about it any more. But I am. Fuck me!

This is a characteristic that I find myself falling into all of the time, wanting someone that I cant have. It has been happening for years, I guess I never knew what my problem was until one day my friend pulled me aside and told me that I should stop striving for the things that I can’t have, and go for the things that I can have. That  makes me question why do we tell everyone to reach for the stars? Why strive for things that are not within our natural reach? If I should just go for the things I can have in life, what is the sense? Why dream, because you can only have the things that are within your reach? Since I am the dreamer type, I make it a challenge when I do find someone who fits this description. Its not like I’m like “Oh, lets see if I can get him to sleep with me!”, No. Nothing like that at all, I am not a slut. It’s more like what do I have to do to make this person change their mind; what can I do to make this fall in my favor?Now, usually this works, sometimes not the way that I would like it to, but I get something that I want out of it whether it be friendship or they make out with me, either or, I’ll take both. But the misleading part of getting something from this said person, it doesn’t help. Instead of turning around when I’m satisfied, I always want more than I just had, its like pouring gasoline on an already lit fire. Its like when your friend has a lollipop and lets you suck on it for a minute when you have a craving for something sweet. That’s really thoughtful of you to have shared your lolly with me, I appreciate that, but it didn’t help the craving, you just made it worse.

PRIME EXAMPLE-My gay best friend, Zachary, at one point in the last year thought that he was straight and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Great! Awesome! I’m gonna date my best friend who went straight for me! I must be pretty to turn a gay man straight. I thought that I would never have to date another male in my entire life, I was so happy with the thought of Zachary being the rest of my life. I thought that it was signed, sealed, delivered, I was going to be his Mrs. Umh….Right. After a few months of just hanging out all of the time, and only kissing as many times on my one hand, Zachary decided that he was confused and turned back to the D. Now, I realized that this wasn’t my fault that he was gay, he was gay before me. I knew that the reason that he went back for the opposing team wasn’t because I was morbidly ugly. In my head I had already had the picture in my head of Zachary being my Prince Charming, being the one guy that I didn’t expect to sweep me off of my feet and come in with his white horse and we could live happily ever after. He was the best man friend that I had honestly had, he treated me nicely and made me laugh, he treated me like I wanted to be treated-the way I should be treated. The fact that that was being ripped out of my hands because of something that is completely out of my control grinded my gears. I wanted to show him how well someone could love him, how he deserves to be loved, and how I could treat him. Out of all honestly I would still like to, he did the same thing for me. That is the part of me that wants what I can’t have. I have had hundreds of conversations, drunk, high, and sober, with my co workers, my friends, EVERYONE, and they all tell me the same thing , “You can’t love him like that, his feelings for you aren’t the same as you have for him.” Thank you, I realize that. Completely. But  I feel that part of me just can’t help but want that. I can’t help but to want a boyfriend who I would love unconditionally and laugh with and be treated nicely, and wake up next to my best friend everyday. Why wouldn’t I  want that? I have had a taste of something so sweet, something that I should taste everyday, but I don’t?

Instead of throwing out our friendship and making it weird, I have taken the love that he has shown me that I could have, and the love that I have for him and I have channeled that into a better friendship for him and I. I might not be his girlfriend but I have many other titles from him, his tax lady, his ride or die bitch,  his occasional coverup girlfriend, a problem solver, half mom to our cat Lola, but most of all his bestest friend, I think that’s my favorite one. I support his lifestyle and any move he wants to make, within reason. There are some times I do have to pull the reins on the big dreamer. Every day is an adventure with him, I COULD NOT IMAGINE having a life without him in it. To be honest, I feel bad for any guy that I will have in my life from here on out, because they’re going to take a back seat to Zachary. I thank my lucky stars everyday for me having someone like him in my life, and that he is the person that I call my best friend.

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I realize that I will always have this want for things that I can’t have, but I have learned to be able to flop the situation so I end up with something that I can have. I might not be able to have Zachary as my boyfriend, WHICH IS FINE, but I have him in a better way. I turned something that was negative into something completely positive. I made something that very often ruins friendships, into something that made mine stronger. I took something about myself that I didn’t like and made it work for me. Take something about yourself that you don’t like and make it work for you, you never know what could happen.